When the Laugh Track Stops
by tearfulseacow14217
Summary: A series of murders lead Ben Matlock to believe the Tanner Family may be involved with witches.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The Final Curtain

Chapter 1: _The Final Curtain_  
Ben Matlock sat sipping his very dry martini. He normally didn't drink this time of day but this was an exception. Conrad had insisted Ben take a relaxing trip to Honolulu and before he could refuse Matlock was in Hawaii. If the moisture didn't get to Matlock the young people did. Surfer Dudes, Hula Girls, and Honeymooners; the damn kids, running, jumping, drowning in their own decadence; it made him want to puke. When HE was their age he never would have participated in such vulgarity. At least he was able to put a few of them behind bars. It was a good haul: 3 for graffiti, 2 for rape, and an endless army of fake ids. Unfortunately that business made him miss his plane and now he was forced to sail back on a god-forsaken, family-fun fest of a garbage barge, filled to the brim with goddamn family swine and there moronic piglets. Now Matlock sat in the karaoke bar listening to the same moron belt out Elvis tunes. Ben Matlock downed the rest of the drink and promptly ordered another.

From where he sat Matlock could se the whole torrid scene. The wanna-be greaser on the stage had to be going through some kind of mid-life crisis to act like that. He looked like Elvis as much as Matlock looked like David Hassel Hoff and his voice sounded like he was choking on some dead cats trying to gargle razor-blade milk-shakes. Dancing in front of him were the two ugliest little girls he'd ever seen. Each wore a disgusting hula outfit and what they called "dancing" was a sickening display of gyration that made Matlock throw up in his mouth. A couple of faggots sat cheering at the spectacle. One kept obsessively cleaning the table with a bottle of Windex and napkins in between cheers while the other kept cheering in the lamest impersonations of Popeye and

Bullwinkle. Off in the far corner there was some girl whore making out with some man whore and near them a black cat sat licking scotch off of a table that had yet to be bussed properly. Dirty tables AND stray animals! Damn this place had shitty service. Matlock made a mental note to complain to the captain as soon as the reached San Francisco.

Suddenly the doors exploded with a magical explosion that rocked the ether. Another teenage blonde stormed into the room, eyes glowing white, sparks flying from her fingertips. The pathetic fools began to scream and run for their lives. Tables were overturned, cutlery flew through the air, and one of the girls from before was trampled under foot by patrons including the aged greaser. Matlock did not even look up from his drink. The witch who started the commotion arched her neck towards the two lovers now hiding under a table-cloth and let loose a siren's yell.

"Harvey! You cheating piece of shit!"

Glass showered on the patrons, broken by the horrid screech. The man-whore in the corner pulled away from his strumpet. Icy fear glazed over his face.

"Sabrina! What are you doing here? Look I told you before it's over. I'm with DJ now and I thi-"

"SHUT UP! I don't care about BJ or whatever her name is. I shared the Family Secret with you and now you throw it all away for that Tanner Tramp!"

Harvey was quiet, too afraid to speak. DJ was frozen like an ice carving. The silence was broken by the black cat who could apparently talk. Now that was something to make Matlock glance up!

"Sabrina I'm very hungry can you get me some food or-"

"SHUT UP Salem I'll deal with you next!"

The cat let out a pathetic sob and ran under a table, tail between his legs. Harvey took this opportunity to make a run for it and ran out through the kitchen. Sabrina followed as a cacophony of banging metal and shrieking chefs issued from the kitchen, but there was a scream outside the kitchen. It came from the germaphobic man. Danny Tanner was crouched over in a pool of blood, sobbing, and in his arms he held the trampled girl, little Stephanie Tanner. Matlock and the rest of the family surrounded them. Danny began to scream.

"SOMEBODY! SOMEBODY GET SOME SHOUT FOR THIS CARPET! OH GOD!! PLEASE TELL ME IT'S BEEN SCOTCH GUARDED!! Oh Joey, we need a doctor for Stephanie."

"I am a doctor! And Dr. Gladstone prescribes on wowwypop! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

As the crowd laughed half-heartedly at Joey Gladstone a man hobbled through the crowd carrying a cane and a medical bag. The man looked overall displeased to be there and as he bent down next to them took a small bottle out of his coat and popped a pill.

"Hello, my name is Dr. Gregory House. This isn't Lupus, looks like she's been trampled, crushed ribs, lots of internal bleeding, she will die, I have some Vicoden but I'm saving it for later, lucky for you guys I always carry my luggage in a child sized coffin, though I don't think it's that big of a loss she is an ugly child."

Stephanie struggled to open her eyes. As she began to cough up blood she smiled and said "How Rude". As the laugh track played Stephanie Tanner closed her eyes, and with a swift contortion of her spinal column, snapped it in half, and took her own life.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: "I Got Nothing

Chapter 2: _"I Got Nothing."_

Ben Matlock took in a deep breath of his cigar smoke. He normally didn't smoke this time off day but this was an exception. After the events in the dining room it was already 8:45 so Matlock had decided to retire for the evening. The family had decided to declare the girl's death as suicide so they gave her a burial at sea and decided never to speak of her again. Ben thought more about the blood stained rug and while staring at the wafting smoke, drifted off into a deep sleep.

DJ Tanner took another hit from the joint. She normally didn't get high this time of day but this was an exception. DJ thought about everything that had happened; being in Hawaii, meeting Harvey, doing Harvey, discovering Harvey was cheating on his girlfriend. Shit. As she was taking another hit there was a knock at the door.

"Go away Harvey we have nothing to talk about!"

The knocking continued. DJ opened the door.

It was the little girl from before, her name was Michelle, but she wasn't alone. The cat named Salem was with her. As Ben Matlock as about to shut the door in their faces he realized they were already sitting on his bed. Damn Kids.

"What do you want?" Matlock demanded, "It's almost 9:30."

"Mistuh my sistuh is acting stwange, she keeps tewwing me to go away so I came to pway with you and I bwought my new kitty, wook he tawks."

"Please sir do you have any food! I'm so hungry and Sabrina's being a teenage bitch so she won't fee-"

"Ohhh be quiet cat, and you two get out of here, I'm trying to sleep!" said Matlock. The tired old man picked up both of the intruders and carried them to the door. As he opened the door there was a piercing scream from down the hall. The three of them ran to the scene, Danny Tanner was passed out in the hall in front of an open door. Inside the room the three saw a grisly sight. There was DJ, dead, hanging from the ceiling. The last horrific moments of her life were etched across her face in sorrow.

Exactly like before a crowd gathered comprised of the rest of the Tanner Family, Sabrina, and Dr. House, strangely Harvey was not present. Dr. House approached the body and checked her pulse. The pressure was enough to snap the tie she hung from and she fell with a sickening thud to the floor.

"That's why women can't wear ties." said House.

As everyone laughed Matlock began to investigate the scene. The floor was spotless. When a person dies they usually evacuate their bowels and even though DJ was wearing a skirt the floor was spotless. Matlock remembered that Michelle had been talking to DJ before she died.

"Little Girl how long ago did you speak to your sister?" asked Matlock like the badass detective he was.

"I wemembuh ut was nine a cwock. She kept saying over and over weave me awone, weave me awone."

Ben began to pace the room. The spotless floor bothered him, and the room stank of bleach. He inspected the tie and discovered a tie tak. It was golden with a small picture. It was the logo for Hoover Vacuums. Holding up the tak Matlock asked a bold and genius question.

"Does anyone recognize this tak?"

Joey Gladstone stepped forward and said in a mocking British accent.

"By Jove Holmes that's the same tie tak Danny's wife gave him before she was hit by that drunk automobile driver! What? Pip pip! I deduce Danny murdered this bird out of his hatred for that bloke! Pip pip!"

Matlock glared at Joey. He could just kill this dumbass. His Murder train of thought was cut short by Elvis.

"C'mon Joey, DJ obviously hung herself when she found out that one guy was cheating on that one babe."

"On the contrary!" interrupted Matlock, "I believe that is what the killer would like us to think, but observe how clean the floor is, how would the floor get cleaned if this was suicide? Add that to the fact that Danny's tie was the weapon and that he was already at the scene of the crime when we arrived. We already know Mr. Tanner is an obsessively clean man. I would agree that Danny is the murderer and could not help but bleach the room."

The room was silent. Was this man God? How did he know everything? He's Brilliant! These were the thoughts that crossed everyone's minds. Everyone clapped and there were cheers and high fives. They chained the still unconscious Danny's arms and legs together and drug him up onto the poop deck. They awoke Danny by splashing hot bleach in his face. He began to scream and beg for mercy from the executioners. Then, realizing he would get none said two words to his former friends.

"Fuck Yooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

Joey and Jesse, hurled Danny Tanner over the railing and into sweet Neptune's embrace. The boat's engine gave a slight shudder as Danny was sucked into the propellers and the sea ran red.

"Sayonara, Bob Faggot", said Joey Gladstone. Unfortunately no one was present to here his funniest joke.

Matlock sat at the crime scene. Another case closed. He smiled an as he was leaving the room saw something that made his blood run cold. Matlock only said two words.

"Oh shi-."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The King's Last Song

Chapter 3: _The King's Last Song_

Ben Matlock snorted down a huge line of coke. He normally didn't get dusted this time of day but this was an exception. His deductions had been so goddamn sloppy they made perfect sense and cost a retard his life. Matlock hadn't even questioned Sabrina who had the biggest motive, or Harvey who wasn't even there. That damn cat had been mum as to his whereabouts. The real killer was still on the loose.

Jesse Katsopolis took a deep breath of the wafting opium smoke. He normally chased the dragon this time of day so it wasn't that odd for him to be doing this. The plan was set in motion and the cogs of his contractor's genius were uninhibited. Jesse's phone rang with "Ain't Nothing but a Hound Dog". With his newfound wealth Jesse could afford such luxuries. He walked across the room and picked up the bulky appliance, pulled out the foot long metal antenna, and pushed the talk button.

"Talk to me!"

"We are very impressed by your work Mr. Katsopolis, now for your next assign-"

"WHAT ABOUT SALLY? IS SHE ALRIGHT? IF YOU BASTARDS HAVE LAID ONE FINGER ON HER I SWEAR I'LL-"

"Do nothing. Remember Mr. Katsopolis, you are playing the biggest poker game of your entire life, the chips are down, you've lost everything down to your dick and even that's on the table, and we have a Royal Flush ready to chomp your dick off and shit a nice little dick sandwich…now here's what you need to do. We want you to take care of our rogue agent…"

Jesse stepped onto the ship's deck. The sequenced silk jacket and matching bellbottoms sparkled like rubies in the moonlight. Jesse gave his slick backed hair the once over with his comb and the transformation was complete. Sylvia was in rare form tonight she was responding like a lover to his touch. Across the deck stood the rogue agent dragging a wooden coffin covered with all sorts of seals and charms. The owner stepped into the opaque light. The two stared for literally two hours saying nothing. Jesse broke the silence.

"Joey, we finally settle this-"

"Shut the fuck up Jes, we've both known each other's secret for years, but when you changed your name to Katsopolis it was like a kick in the balls. For 5,000 generations the Gladstone and Kasopolis families have grudgingly served alongside each other as guardians to the Chosen Blood, but now we settle this."

"We worked well together Joseph, the rivers ran red. Remember when we killed Danny's wife? She died like the whorish pig she was, and then we killed DJ, she really reminded me of her mother in those last moments. Framing Danny was the best, but now the fun is over. I will serve the Chosen Blood and your family will end here."

"Ohhhhhhhhhh Dem's foightin' words ye testicle! Crikey!"

Joey dropped the lid from the coffin. Out from the red light emerged Chucky the woodchuck familiar who had served Gladstones for 4,999 generations. Chucky wore blue suspenders and two razor sharp teeth protruding from the cartoonish face. Joey inserted his fist into the ass of Chucky. The bonding of Master and Familiar was complete. Chucky began to Chuck wood so fast he could fucking chuck wood like a woodchuck could fuck. As a boast of strength Joey feed Chucky some adamantine bars for breakfast. Jesse cranked the amp to full power and plugged in Sylvia. Jesse could feeeeel all the vibraaaations! The sea rocking the boat, the wood creaking beneath feet, even the breath of the sleeping souls moving in and out with varying speed based on the nocturnal activities of the passengers. Then without warning the battle began. The King sung.

"_You ain't nothin' but a hound dog!"_

Joey was too swift and dodged the sound blast.

"_Crying all the-"_

Joey was ready and dodged but-

"_TIME!"_

A brilliant feint! Chucky was hit dead on but the Adam wood he was made of only had a few loose chips blown off as the blast was repelled back. Jesse struggled to get to his feet only to look up and see Chucky finishing them off at the joint. Jesse began to scream and bleed all over the deck. As Chucky moved up Joey cradled Jesse's head in his arms.

"I win Jes."

"Please Joe! Have Mercy!"

Joey looked down into the eyes begging for mercy. Memories flew by but landed in a pile of shit labeled "I don't care".

"No", he said "Soul good!"

Joey bit hard onto Jesse's mouth and began to suck the sweet Katsopolis blood. As the laugh track played Joey and Chucky fed. Jesse suffered for hours. You see The Gladstones secrete a chemical that heals the nerve endings of their victims and cause the wounds to heal over immediately and they was not only eating his body but his soul. Each bite would feel like the first one every time. Jesse began to black out from pain and on account of his soul slowly draining away just as Chucky was finishing off his balls and slurping his intestines like spaghetti. The blood would be enough to sustain each of them another 5,000 generations.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Coming with Power: The Omnibus of Damnation

Chapter 4: _Coming with Power: The Omnibus of Damnation_

Ben Matlock awoke with a start. 4:30!? Matlock usually got up at 4:45 but the scream that had awoken him was an exceptional one. No bother, Matlock put on his trademark gray suit and slowly made his way up to the deck. Captain Stubbin was on the deck, conducting the orchestra of activity. The crew was collecting the remains of Jesse Katsopolis' remains. Suddenly a voice spoke to Matlock.

"The Gray Warrior will come of age again with the union of the Black Temptress. The Gray Warrior must overcome her trails and The Blonde Gemini who seeks purity will bring about death."

Matlock stared into his eyes. The man was a Native American about his age. In his eyes Ben saw the deepest reaches of the black universe. Eternal wisdom and Knowledge was present but Matlock spat in its face.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I am Albert Hosteen. I will be your Navajo Spirit Guide. I will assist you in your quest. Come with me and I will show you the Universe."

Matlock was tired of all this shit. These damn families and their murder and their damn cats and spirits and universe and drugs, Ben was tired, tired enough to stop resisting. So he went with the Navajo man to his room. The room was filled with a thick smoke. They sat, Indian-style, on a rug woven from corn husks. Matlock began to feel light headed. Albert passed Matlock a long pipe with feathers hanging from the end.

"Take a Hit."

"I don't usually get high this time of day….I…"

"Take a hit!! Take a hit from this peace pipe and see colors you've never conceived. You are about to embark on a fantastic voyage, an orgy of imagery and sensation. Walk with me on an alien world as we tend to its two-headed pink sheep. What is not creation is Graham Crackers, let them all crumble to feed the Creator. Will you join me as an obscure hobo bumming a ride on the omnibus that is our quest!? "

Albert Hosteen was shaking with mad passion. Matlock took the pipe, put his lips to it and took in a deep breath.

"Yes."

Matlock began to see Chartruidian light glowing in the distance.

Joey Gladstone ran 3 stories below deck with a look of utter gladness on his face. The Katsopolis man was finally dead. Now his mistress would allow him the ultimate pleasure. Joey arrived at the Mistresses' room. A voice called out from him to enter. The room was a portal to hell. Hell was a long room filled with red silk and lit only by a thousand candles. The candelabras were grotesque stone men that had failed to pleasure the Mistress. Wax melted down their faces in tears. At the end of the hall lay Harvey Kinkle, naked and strapped down by leather belts to a sacrificial alter. On a throne of Skulls sat Sabrina Spellman clad in a traditional witch/dominatrix costume. Sabrina's head was crowned with a pointed hat match only in pointiness by her bra which had a ferocious pair of spike jutting out from it. In her gloved hands she held her wand/riding crop. Joey bowed to his Mistress. Without any further acknowledgement Sabrina demanded for him to lick her boots. Joey happily complied despite the fact they were coated with the remains of Salem's litter box.

"I am pleased that you have slain all who stood in my way", said Sabrina, "but the ritual must wait until my aunts arrive."

"We are already here Sabrina."

Zelda and Hilda Spellman flew into the room riding atop two figures that were clutching to the magic sweepers for dear life. The sweepers landed and the mysterious creatures that Zelda and Hilda were riding began to crawl towards the bizarre ritual.

"We found these dead mortal to make the most perfect horses", said Hilda.

Hilda rode atop a very bloody and rotten looking girl. It was a reanimated corpse chimera combining Stephanie and DJ Tanner, one body, as big as two girls, with two heads. Each gasp of breath she tried to take resulted in a feeble gasp of air, compound by the amount of seawater in their lungs, and then she would throw up. Zelda rode atop the corpse of Danny Tanner, whose face was bleach stained into a sickening off-white which had been hap-hazardly sewn back together as a result of the boat propellers. Both horses were equipped with saddles and bits, but also had tails sticking in their ass-holes. The two aunts approached Sabrina on the hell-born stallions.

"Aunt Hilda what's with your horse? It has two heads!", asked Sabrina with laughter in her voice.

"Well the one girl's spine was completely useless and you know what I say! Two heads are better then one!"

"Enough of your moldy jokes Hilda", said Zelda, "Let the Feast of Orgification begin!"

With that the two aunts and there niece began to strip.


End file.
